CONFESSIONS OF A DYING MAN

 

I had just received an urgent mail from my father saying that there was no improvement whatsoever in the present situation and that I should meet him as soon as possible.

 

Many doubts started creeping into my head as to what could be the situation. Was it a heated argument between Mother and Father, or was it a dispute with the neighbour Kal-zang.Equally disturbing was my dream last night, which put my mind in a turmoil, the various thoughts churning like black clouds, making me feel hopelessly suffocating.

I made up my mind to immediately close down the shop and move to Nepal.I wanted to take the big Tour Bus, but unfortunately on that day all the tickets were sold out. Not wanting to wait any longer and my patience running out I decided to hire a small vehicle and was soon on my way.

 

As I reached home, I saw father reclined on a pillow, with his upper body braced at an angle and fast asleep. The complexion of his face showed signs of pain and illness and had become pale and weak. It seemed that mother, unable to bear my fathers condition any longer had once again gone over to stay with her sister. A feeling of depression overcame me as I stood there watching the present situation.

 

Usually when I used to leave home and later return, I was habituated to visiting the prayer room, where I would supplicate and put up offerings in front of the picture of our great deity called Gyal-Chen.

This time however a suprise was in store for me, as the picture of our Deity seemed to have mysterously vanished or probably flown away. In it’s place was a picture of goddess Dolma along with the pictures of the great Master-Disciple, and seven lamps that were like before put up as offerings.

A deep sense of emptiness overcame me on discovering the disappearance, and also a sense of shock, as just the other night I had a dream in which a reverend priest appeared and entrusted me with the picture of Gyal-Chen and gave me a clear warning saying that I was to safe guard the picture as I was the owner now and that if anything should ever happen to the picture or if it would get lost, unfortunate circumstances would befall me. I clearly remember trembling and accepting his command and especially waking up from the dream completely terrified.

 

I suddenly heard the voice of a female, and exiting the prayer room I saw our neighbour Kal-zang’s daughter De-Kyi, who had father’s head raised to give him his medicines. On seeing me she started blushing and with a smile said,"so you’ve come".

All I could do was shake my head in suprise as I recollected that we were classmates in the past and having a constant dispute between our families, we had never spoken to each other for nearly three years. Right now I was standing there wondering if this was all a dream, my senses reeling out of control.

At that precise moment father saw me and said,"Good you could make it here so quickly". Hearing his weak and frail voice I moved in a little closer to him.

"What is the illness? Have you been to the hospital? Where has mother gone"? Blah...Blah... Were the questions piling up within my head when I saw that De-Kyi was no longer asking any more questions. Father said that mother and the neighbour

Kal-zang had gone to fetch the doctor. De-kyi who was watching us both intently thought best to leave us alone, and left the room.

 

I said,"well father I had been to the prayer room and it seems that the picture of Gyal-Chen is no longer there.……" On hearing this father said,"go slow...have a seat. He has flown away, and it’s almost time for me also to leave. I have just beeing staying here waiting only for you and the new doctor. Today I have something new to say to you and hope you will listen to what I have to say.what I am going to tell you now is going to be my final confession."

Father’s voice was getting weak and his expressions were beginning to fade as he stared at me with his wide-open eyes. Not wanting him to give up hopes completely, I looked back into his eyes and blinked.

I said,"father do not speak that way. The problems and illness can all be certainly solved and relieved. Usually I have never paid attention to what you had to say, do not be depressed. Say what you have to say and I promise to give you my full attention."

Thus consoling him with healing words, I urged him to continue, fear and confusion swelling within me, wondering weather the conversation was about Gyal-Chen or something else. Drawing in a long breath with his eyes closed father continued..

"Son as of now having accepted and worshipped the pure Deity, I think I have been a sincere and good man. But in the past for over forty years I had been associated with all the wrong and defiled things and had developed a very negative attitude. This attitude put me on a path where I began to loose control over myself and finally found myself at the mouth of an abyss. But before I meet the Lord of Death face to face down there, I desire to confess my faults from the depths of my heart, as it would bring me some peace of mind before I depart. Son I have been on the mistaken path, and today I desire to tell you my completely bizarre and fantastic story."

Thus saying, with his eyes half closed, and intently watching my face, Father began the story of The Ancient Gods.

 

As a small kid I used to constantly hear my father tell me that my birth deity was godess Yu-Lha who rode the yak. I also, having accepted Yu-Lha as my special deity sometimes put up incense sticks as offerings.

At that time I had a few friends of the same age with whom I used to sometimes play. One of them used to tell me"You are the son of Yu-Lha the yak rider, I am the son of Nan-Chen the horse rider, He is the son of Tsan-Lha the tiger rider, This is the son of Gyal-Chen-Do-Je-Cugs-Dan, This is the son of Ma-Chen-Bom-Ra.

Amongst all of us you will become the most powerless servant of all". Thus passing such comments they used to constantly humilate me. They used to sometimes say,"Come here" "Lets compete to see who is the strongest and who is the weakest".

Having no ability to compete with them I used to boast saying,"I am the son of Yu-Lha the greatest, whose yak with it’s horn’s can toss down and destroy the tiger and you all". I used to blurt out such courageous talk whenever confronted.

When I was 16 years old, I had a dispute over a girl with a guy called Dor-nag from Brog-nag. We got into a schuffle as he tried to reach for me with a knife, when one of my friends shouted out,"How can Yu-Lha possibly defeat Cugs-Dan.You’ll be lucky if you don’t get killed’. Thus mocking me they used to make fun of me and embarrass me.

Again when I arrived at the age of 16,a brawl errupted between us and the people of Brog-nag, which led to a small fight. At that time, having lost my horse I had to walk back home, which was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

These turn of events started created a feeling of seperation between me and my deity and I started to feel offended towards Yu-Lha. Some of my friends used to pass strange comments like"Why would you ride a yak in a place where we are having war with horses, if you are one of us, you should also worship Tsan-Lha-Cugs-dan". Hearing such comments I started loosing respect towards Yu-Lha.

 

Then one day during the great Ci-Sang festival, I got an oppurtunity to pay my homage and respects to Gyal-Chen and Tsan-Lha. Having no idea weather I should continue to pay homage to my old deity Yu-Lha, I approached my spiritual master Kal-Zang-Gya-Tsho who gave me some good advice and made an impressive speech as to why Gyal-Chen was the most superior deity and was worth accepting as ones personal deity.

Having thus made up my mind to accept Gyal-Chen as my personal deity, I told my parents about the same. My father replied that if my master said so, it was ok for me to do so, but that I shouldn’t just put away my birth deity Yu-Lha as it was not appropriate. He said that during the great Ci-Sang festival all the protecting deities are venerated and given offerings. Citing a few examples he said,"In our family, my main deity is Lha-Mo to whom I pay respects. Your brother pays respects to Nan-Chen.Thus each individual has his own deity whom he venerates and pays respects to. As for Gyal-Chen he is venerated mostly among the Lamas and a few traders, and the people of Brog-Nag". Thus father cited many more examples about all the protecting deities. Heeding my father’s advice I decided that from that day of the great prayer festival onwards, I would pay homage to both Gyal-Chen and Yu-Lha without any distinction and would regularly give offerings.

 

COUGH! COUGH! I gave father some medicine after which he continued his story….

 

A few years later, on the day of the great prayer festival, when father was off with his horses on the plains, an accident occurred in which father fell and broke a few ribs. Not only that, mother started getting headaches, and even with regular religious services and offerings bad luck always seemed to follow my family. There seemed to be no recovery from these bad omens. During that period I had a dream in which there was this great priest who pointed out a big monastery to me and said,"There are many doctors there, it will do you much good if you go there". Not understanding the omen of my dream I approached my lama Kal-Zang-Gya-Tsho. After consulting the oracle and a few minutes of contemplation he said,"If you really want to help and provide service to your parents, you have to take up the vows of a monk as was indicated in your dream."

Well this was something, which was not going to be easy for me.

Not being a monk seemed a great service to my parents. As a youth growing up with a easeful work schedule, regular gambling and betting on horses, and a consumer of alcohol, this decision needed a lot of thinking. I took the effort of telling my parents about it when I got a proper oppurtunity with no one else around. Father seemed to be getting older with every passing day and mother’s headaches seemed to be getting worse without a proper cure. That night lying on my bed I made up my mind to take up the vows and become a monk.

 

COUGH! COUGH! I again gave father some medicine after which he continued his story….

 

Having made up my mind, I went to my lama Kal-Zang-Gya-Tsho in front of whom I got initated and took my vows as a monk. Acting on his advice I took up admission in a monastery called Ge-Dan-Chos-Ling.In the beginning I had to face many problems as I did not know much of reading and writing and without my habitual alcohol and gambling I started getting depressed and loosing a lot of weight. When nearly six months had passed in misery, our lama Geshe-Lo-Zang-La fell ill. During that time there were some monks in the monastery who had a very unfriendly attitude, and were constantly passing various comments about me. But I did not feel revoked as my mother’s illness seemingly got better, and thus I kept myself in control.

One fine day the Abbot of the monastery Yeshe-La called me into his room and said,"What is the guardian deity that you have accepted. Here in this monastery we have a system where we do not worship and venetrate any other deity than Pal-Dan-Lha-Mo". I replied that I was a worshipper of Gyal-Chen.On hearing this the Abbot went black and blue in the face and said,"Oh! I see, so it’s like that. Well previously in this monastery we too venerated Gyal-Chen and in the end we decided it was not an appropriate idea and we no longer worshipped him. One of the reasons was that a long time ago many unfortunate incident’s started taking place in this monastery and as the situation got worse we made a decision to do away with the deity Cugs-Dan, laying out rules and limitations as to what should be accepted and what not. As soon as this was done all the bad omens started vanishing and the monastic situation got better.

So if you desire to stay here, you will have to follow the same rules and from now on abandon the worship of Gyal-Chen.And if you do not desire to do so, it is best you leave".

I was quite taken aback at what the abbot had said. That night in my sleep the reverend priest who had appeared before in my dream’s made his appearance again and said to me,"I will always protect you. You also should never abandon me". Now having remembered the dream I was at loss as how to proceed or what was needed to be done next.

 

Being a confused monk and a worshipper of Gyal-Chen, I decided to approach my lama Kal-Zang-Gya-Tsho and tell him in detail about my present situation, especially why was it inappropriate to worship Gyal-Chen in this monastery. And to put it more honestly it seems that the deities Gyal-Chen and Lha-Mo were not at all in agreement with each other. Thus having made up my mind I went off to see the lama and explained my dream to him. The lama replied,"The dream seems to be a sign that, presently it is unappropriate to abandon the worship of Gyal-Chen. I had no idea that Ge-Dan-Chos-Ling monastery was against the worship of Gyal-Chen. But I do believe there are some who rely on the worship of Gyal-Chen while still others believe he is the reincarnation of Chag-Na-Do-Je.In dependence on these facts it seems that the protecting deities have no quarrel amongst themselves. Anyway I am presently building a monastery which will probably be completed next year. Uptill then stay home and do what needs to be done. How are your parents, I do hope their health is improving. As for you, continue to observe your vows and maintain faith in Gyal-Chen.Things will soon get better". Thus saying we departed and I returned home.

 

After a few months had passed and mothers illness again got worse. That night I had a dream in which a priest resembling lama Kal-Gyam appeared and said,"It is not good for you to sit at home. Go to Lha-sa where your purpose will be fulfilled". Having thus related the dream to my parents I left for Lha-sa. Having spent a little over six months in Lha-sa, I heard that my lama’s monastery was now complete and I returned back. Going back home a number of bad omens greeted me. Mother had died a few days back and father was attacked by an unknown illness and was lying in pain. I even heard rumours that after I had left Ge-Dan-Chos-Ling monastery the unfavourable conditions that had prevailed disappeared. I got really depressed wondering if Gyal-Chen and Lha-Mo were really enemies, and if I was really a sinful person. But I had to remain silent through all this, as I could not present any of these facts about what the lama had said to any other person.

I headed back straight for the monastery and immersed myself in trying to understand the teachings of the scriptures. But being illiterate I could not comprehend the full meaning of the scriptures. The lama put me in charge of the accounts section of the monastery where I got involved in the trade business. The lama said to me,"In the beginning without any reason you went off to the city and some how found means to attain quite a lot of things and horses. What were the signs that appeared in your dreams, about the worship of Gyal-Chen.Particularly the instructions of the monk in your dreams ,which probably meant that you need to build a big monastery with the trade business you accomplish. If you want your trade to flourish you need to give special offerings to Gyal-Chen ,which is generally what business people do for the sake of worshipping him. If you do so, in seven years time with your business and your offerings you will be able to build a monastery. I also hope our place would be helpful, as now without any small monasteries the students have to travel quite far for their studies, especially nowdays when the students are cared for in the schools, they seem to know a bit of reading and writing but have no idea whatsoever about religion. I feel the next generationis going to be quite dangerous for humanity and with our earnest dedication to Gyal-Chen, I very much desire to build a monastery. And from this point of view I think Gyal-Chen will help us in making this place widely known and famous. The teachers also would have many jobs and means. Even though you do not understand much of religion, do try to observe your religious vows and keep your mind and heart pure by giving your services, and in return you will accumulate great merits. With growing experience and intelligence, I think it’s true that you will know what you are capable of, and not capable of, and with persistence be able to see what is beneficial. This is what you need to trust and accept".

 

After that traders from Lha-Sa, who had gone for business had received unique benefits a few times by relying on the worship of Gyal-Chen.Particularly one evening in my dream a lama appeared and said,"Tomorrow morning go for circumambulation and accomplish what has been given". So I woke up early and went for my circumambulation, when I saw a woman in the corner of the road stumble and fall. I ran immediately by her side and saw that she had already died. On her neck was a precious Zee necklace, which I immediately took sensing that this was the task I was to accomplish. Later on I secretly presented the necklace to my lama and said,"What has been given by Gyal-Chen, will not be sinful. It seems due to the womans past karma she was able to offer something for the benefit of the monastery and this will bring her a great wealth of merits". After this incident my faith in Gyal-Chen increased strongly. At that time in the monastery there was not more than twenty new monks, and much importance was not given to the study of scriptures. The main protecting Deity of the monastery was Gyal-Chen and also the patron Lord.

 

One day an urgent message arrived saying "come home quickly". I went home immediately and saw father lying on the bed having difficulty with his breathing. My brother told me that although the doctor was called there was no improvement in father’s condition, and so Ge-Dan-Chos-Ling monastery was informed to perform a ritual ceremont for the healing. I too decided to join the ceremony and when I returned from the monastery I saw father sitting at the edge of his bed. My brother came and said to me,"previously the monastery you had joined was for the sake of providing service to our parents. You did not like staying at the Ge-Dan-Chos-Ling monastery, and who knows what you went and did in Lha-Sa.You have put aside your religion and concentrate on your business. Look what has happened to both our parents. You could not practice religion properly and have been like a fool, deceiving yourself and others. Go now and offer some food".

Having stayed in the room long enough, my mind plunged into depression. I had no idea as to how my plans would turn out to be, and especially I could not remember ever having any evil intentions. Whatever work I had undertaken was on the instructions of my lama and all this mess seemed like the lama’s mistake and not mine. Having explained the situation to my brother, I went in front of my lama and started critizing him for what he had done to my family and me.

He too felt uncomfortable and realizing his mistake said,"I had no idea, and I definitely did not want to ever deceive you. As you yourself said, I too had feelings and after a lot of thought told you about it. On one side it seems we both had the same dreams about the priest and his prophecy, and a monks dream is always taken as a sign of good omen. Particularly the direction in which my life has been heading it seems Gyal-Chen was not able to clear the obstacles of evil spirits that were constantly harassing you. The dreams could be intrepreted in various ways. As of recently various situations seem to be emerging especially relating to you, and I too am not very happy about it. Maybe this is all due to my past negative karma, where I was not able to observe my vows properly. I’m really sorry, and do wish I could offer the extent of my life to your parents.

However you have persued religion with a pure and harmonious attitude, and although not much benefit was received, it is not possible for you to commit the same mistake again. If you do not get good results in this life, you will most certainly get it in the future life. This is the essence of true religion that the Law of karma prevails. Presently you are not able to study, but able to render services with a pure mind. Now if you say you want to study I think it’s ok, also if you feel like leaving and joining another monastery it is ok with me. However whatever happens do not loose your faith in the three jewels, and it is also very important for you to maintain your vows, and since you are a monk if you broke the vow a great sin will befall you.

The lamas affectionate and much helpful advice made me feel much relaxed and relieved.

 

As father continued with the story he again started coughing. I gently massaged his chest and gave him a dose of his medicines after which he continued with the story…

 

 

After that I again entered the monastery to offer my services. In about six months around fifty new monks had joined in. Many of them were nomads. The monastic conditions seemed to be improving, and bad omens were fast vanishing occassionally errupting a few times.

In one bad instance a monk had lost his life in a fight. I too once got into a brawl with a monk and broke his hand. The other new nomadic monks got together and beat me up black and blue. The external explanations for these incidents were linked to the worship of deities that were good and evil.

However being no longer comfortable to continue my stay in the monastery I told my lama that I wanted to go to India.After thinking for a few moments he said,"really, are you sure". I replied,"I am able to go as there are a lot of traders who travel to India and once I reach Lha-Sa I will know how to proceed.

The lama said,"this evening we both shall put up ample offerings for Gyal-Chen and tomorrow hope that whatever happens, happens for good". Later in the day the lama said,"tell me about the dream you had. As for me I had a very strange dream.I dreamt that you were with a woman living in a shop. The shop had a picture of Gyal-Chen, and that’s how the dream was. What did you dream". I said,"I dreamt that I was next to a great stupa selling pictures of Gyal-Chen and was wearing a neck scarf".

The lama replied,"If that is so, we have had similar dreams. It mostly seems you will no longer be a monk and you may probably reside in Nepal.Not only that, if you continue to worship Gyal-Chen, the protector will surely help you. And now since we are both going to Lha-Sa to trade, you have to agree to accept my help. I will give you all your travelling expense, as you will be facing many problems on the way. Now for a few days go home and makeup with your brother. Later on you will not regret it".

So I went home to reconcile with my brother. He said,"since you are leaving, I hope you find a place to stay. If you desire to give up your monastic vows, do not return home, instead go to India and visit His Holiness.It will do you good if you could enter a monastery and stay there. I do not have much to say, neither the desire to talk to you".

I replied,"I have no intention of renouncing my vows, but that’s the intepretation of my dream by my lama. From the point of view of not understanding dharma, wearing these monk’s clothes does not seem to be fortunate for me". Having thus expressed my opinion in detail I left home.

Later on both I and my lama left for Lha-Sa.Having sold all our wares,I found a companion who was also a trader leaving for India and we departed together.While departing the lama gave me five ounces of gold along with rupees five hundred and said he was giving it for the monastery and for my expenses.I said,"I cannot take all this.It is ok if I can borrow it.I will try to return it if possible.I’m sorry".Thus we parted and I arrived in nepal in a very cheerful mood.

 

Interrupting the story father said,"I forgot to add something. Previously when I was at the monastery the lama had given me a very sacred painting of Gyal-Chen, which I carried along with me and hung it up in the shop. COUGH! COUGH! (He continued with the story.)

 

As I arrived in Nepal, I saw a great stupa like the one exactly in my dream and knowing that the prophecy of Gyal-Chen had come true my trust and faith grew much stronger.

I was also pleased to see quite a lot of Tibetans. All of them were traders and there were also a few who were worshippers of Gyal-Chen.In the beginning when I had arrived, I took shelter in a monastic school, which was quite big. I decided that later on I would go to india to visit his His Holiness.One night in a dream a priest appeared whom I had seen before, and said,"If you do not presently stay here, you will face problems on the way. Now since you are not in the monastery carry my clothes". Thus saying his face turned black. Thinking about not being able to practice religion properly, and being neither a lay man or a monk made me feel uncomfortable, so I went and put offerings in front of the pictures of my main lama and Gyal-Chen.Not being a practitioner and as per the prophecy of not turning out to be a good monk, from that day onwards I decided to give up my Ge-Shul vows. But I was still unsure if it was right for me to continue wearing my monks outfit.I still had faith in the three jewels and belief in the law of karma.I did not desire to accumulate bad karma by presently giving up my monastic clothes.Having no more resistance I gave up my vows praying to the great teacher’s to clear away all obstacles and to show me the right path of developing and accomplishing great compassion.

 

As before, I worshipped Gyal-Chen and went to trade a few times and in about a year’s time , I had made a good profit.It was during that time I met your mother, who was the owner of a restaurant. We fell in love and since then twenty years have passed. At that time your mother gave birth to two sons who were like the sun and the moon. Before you were born, I had a dream in which a lama appeared and told me to make preparations for the next day, the day you were to be born, and gave me a picture of Gyal-Chen.When you were born the picture of Cugs-Dan was placed before you and you were given the name Cugs-Dan-Don-Dup.

When you had completed your junior school, the lama again appeared in my dream and said,"Since you are not able to practice religion, please send your son to my monastery". Even your mother had a dream in which an unknown lama appeared and said,"Carry my son to the monastery".Wanting to discuss the matter with a lama I decided to go to Lha-Sa.But as I reached Lha-Sa I fortunately happened to meet my previous lama and was full of joy. As he had done before, he again gave me five ounces of gold along with rupees five hundred and an official letter and said,"I need you to offer this to His Holiness". He did not accept the dept of five hundred entirely that I had taken from him. Later as per the lama’s instruction, as I was on my way to India, I unfortunately got robbed and had to return back completely empty handed.

After some time had passed rumours started spreading that the worship of Gyal-Chen was evil. Tashi-Ling monastery destroyed all its sacred pictures of Gyal-Chen and any monk who was found in possession of Gyal-Chen’s pictures were expelled from the monastery. It was proclaimed that anyone who would worship Gyal-Chen would not be allowed to stay in the monastery. It was during that time you had also returned from your monastery. The local people had different views about the present situation and frequently fights broke out. Even our neighbours Po-Kal-Zang and Wo-Cang both got into a disagreement with each other. Not only that, Wo-Cang’s family had an internal dispute and three of them decided to separate.

While you also had a problem joining another monastery,I had a dream in which Cugs-Dan appeared and said,"My son,no need to fear",an incident after which I decided to completely give up my vows,as you all are clearly aware of.

At that time there were a few people who said that His Holiness was against Cugs-Dan while some monks said he wasn’t. Thus there were various intepretations of what actually the scriptures really meant. A few also said that it was His Holiness who was in disagreement and that the Ge-Lugs, His Holiness and the Tibetan government would all be harmed. Some said that the reincarnation of Gyal -Chen was a Ge-Lug-Pa called Dha-Lha-Gyal-Po.People from all parts of tibet, especially from the higher and lower regions watched with gaping mouths at the face of Gyal-Chen, and as for me, the Lord I had always worshipped for such a long time with faith, was suddenly being cast away like a stone and it caused me great grief especially since I had not much knowledge of the scriptures or religion.

COUGH! COUGH! Having helped father a bit with his appetite,I was wondering what traumatic situations was yet to come, as i sat there listening intently to the story..

 

A few days back a new lama had arrived in Tibet and gave a message, which said," The great accomplisher Dhu-Dul-Rin-Po-Che has said the signs and promises given by Gyal-Chen is none other than Gya-Dre-Dol-Gyal himself. Previously both of us had various dreams in which many miracles were seen, especially that a discord would arise within the government and Ge-Lugs.I have written clearly about these deceptive miracles. Presently His Holiness objects to the worship of Gyal-Chen, and this is true. I myself have abandoned the worship of Gyal-Chen.I had previously taken the wrong path and I hope you all within the depths of your hearts will think over the matter and give up the worship of Gyal-Chen, that is my only hope".

Hearing about this letter many fearful thoughts arose within me. That day like all previous days I prepared my offerings especially for His Holiness and the three jewels. I had placed the picture of His Holiness above Gyal-Chen and was desperately in need of signs from the protecting deities, to know weather you were really the incarnation of Chag-Na- Dor-je.Uptill now for more than thirty years I had seen many signs. But this time I was really desperate and decided that if the signs appeared they would be the manifestation of the deities and if no signs appeared it would be the work of evil spirits. I prayed with devotion especially to the three jewels and His Holiness asking for signs and miracles to confirm if Gyal-Chen was really Gya-Dre whom I had previously worshipped as a good deity, but now feeling that due to my bad karma I would be reborn in hell, I prayed earnestly and fell asleep. But most of the time I could not sleep due to disturbing thoughts. Sometimes I dreamt that I was lighting lamps in the prayer room and the picture of Dol-Gyal suddenly vanishes in the dark and in it’s empty place is the picture of Pal-Den-Lha-Mo and clutching a matchbox in my hand I awoke to see dawn approaching. I immediately ran to the prayer room and what did I see? I saw father with his palms folded paying his respects to the three jewels, to Tenzin Gyatso ‘His Holiness’ and to Chen-Re-Zig.I felt for a moment as if I did not exist. Shedding tears I stayed there for some time completely dazed. Seeing me my father asked,"what happened? Haven’t you seen the picture of Gyal-Chen.

 

Really, I think you will find it hard to believe me thinking that I am lying. Gyal-Chen’s picture had fallen to the ground. I was taken aback and did not know what to do. Then I wrapped the picture and took it down below the prayer room. That night thinking that Dol-Gyal was the bestower of wealth and a good friend of traders, I went down and put up a little offering. I said,"From today onwards we are no longer related.uptill now whatever good or bad happened is all over. Not able to do virtuous work I always accumulated bad karma.but I am not offended. And since you are the great protecting deity I pray that we shall meet again". Having spoken to him like an old friend, I left and went out of the house.

 

Having explained this frightful experience and giving me a look father continued..

 

That was really very bad. May be even an evil spirit. That night I had a dream in which a lama appeared, and holding my chest said,"Speak up. Why have you put me out? You thought it was going to be easy. This place belongs to both of us, because everything is mine.tonight since you have given me a little offering I will not harm you. Now let us go. We need to leave". Saying this he was about to kill me by squeezing my neck when I awoke with a start. That was really frightening. As I tried to sleep again I dreamt about a blood covered Chinese soldier who came up to me and pointing his gun towards me blew my brains out. I woke up screaming and was not able to sleep again. Depression overcame me as dawn broke in.

From that day onwards I was in constant depression and pain and so decided to call you. But you don’t need to worry, as I’m sure no harm will come to you.

Understanding my situation Po-Kal-Zang too felt depressed and decided to help me by inviting Pe-Nor-Kheyn-Che-Rin-Po-Che.

Finally giving a little offering does not seem right, not only that, by moving the picture that fell to another place from below will help in averting danger. It will be difficult for all untoward occurrences to return again.

Having abandoned Dol-Gyal, pay your respects to the three jewels, to Je-Rin-Po-Che and especially to His Holiness.It is good if you can recite prayers and do postrations. It’s not a problem. Not only that, do not keep changing your devotion from one deity to another, as they and the evil spirits will cause you harm. Many people not understanding religion and end up worshipping evil spirits and destroy all their resources through deception, and the lamas end up shedding tears. From now on carry that picture to your place. And in place of that you need to take a new picture of Pal-Den-Lha-Mo and make sure everyone in your family abandons the worship of Dol-Gyal.Doing that will not cause you any harm. This is one reason why Po-Kal-Zang and Dol-ma have left this morning.

 

Hearing fathers story fear started to take hold of me, and at the same time I was hoping that father got rid of his illness, and that also none of my family members ever come to any harm. I thought that if I continued with my Gyal-Chen worship, father would probably never get healed, and certainly more harm would come to my family.

At that time De-Kyi appeared, slowly opening the door and saying,"I have made some soup. Please have some". As she poured some into the bowl, I got up, and taking the bowl thanked her for all the trouble she was taking. She smiled back saying that it was no problem. I told her why had she offered soup to father as he was unwell and father who heard the comment had a little soup and said"well presently I’m not serously ill, and before dying I would like to…

CREAK!! The door opeaned again and looking up I saw Po-Kal-Zang and mother. I got up immediately and greeting him thanked him.father asked him if the mission was accomplished. Po-Kal-Zang replied with a smile that it was accomplished. He said,"we managed to get the most excellent paintaing given by the Rin-Po-Che himself,and presently he is offering prayers for the safety of the family".Seeing the painting fathers eyes became wide with excitement.He folded his hands in reverence and started praying in a tone we could not hear. Po-Kal-Zang took the painting and having touched it to fathers head, he carried it to the prayer room as I watched on nervously.

Father looked at me and said,"Now I still have a final confession to make and my testament will be complete. I have even met our new deity, and also managed to see you, but I still have a final hope and COUGH!! COUGH!!..

 

I watched father and barely opening my mouth was about to say,"I am able" when he again asked me in a strong and clear tone,"do you need your father or do you need Dol-Gyal". I took my fathers hand in mine and said,"Father do not speak that way. From now on in front of you I promise never to worship Dol-Gyal again".

With tears falling from his eyes, and for a moment seeming joyful and without pain he said,"From today onwards I name you Lha-Mo-Don-Dhup". I to replied that from now on I am Lha-Mo-Don-Dhup.With tears falling from the pair of his blinking eyes he said,"Now all my pain is releived. Go and welcome our new deity Lha-Mo into our prayer room". Thus saying he stopped to catch his breath, his voice becoming weak and slow."Yes" I replied and immediately made a prayer of invitation to Lha-Mo-Gyal-Chen.

De-Kyi having decided to give me a helping hand, we carried the painting upstairs. Suddenly I heard mother crying and wondering what happened rushed down to my father’s side.

 

There he was, lying with both his eyes completely closed, that were still covered with tears, a feeling of joy spread across his face, and with his final breath now gone he seemed to have entered into the state of profound and final Bliss.